#6 Rule of Excellence
March 31, 2008 at 9:49 pm | Posted in Rules of Engagement | 2 CommentsTags: adolescent, beacon of excellence, behavior, behaviour, excellence, five love languages, five love languages of children, five love languages of teenagers, gary chapman, get out what you put in, improvement, mediocrity, motivated, motivation, parenting, professionals, relationships, results, strategies, stretching yourself, teenagers, teens, worksheets
Don’t settle for second best. Don’t get sucked into complacent mediocrity. Save your mediocrity for something that doesn’t count- bake a mediocre cake, get a mediocre score on Solitaire but please where relationships are involved go for the best, the tip top, won’t ever stop mentality.
In any relationship but particulary with teens and kids, you will only get out what you put in. So if you are expecting an excellent result with your teens but are not putting in the time or the effort and are not really stretching yourself to do the best you can then I am afraid you are going to be disappointed.
If you have got to a point with your teenager where things are not looking great, then ask yourself- have I been giving them all I can? Have I been giving them what they need? A common mistake is to shower kids with the wrong thing- for example spoiling them with gifts when all they want is to spend some quality time with you. To learn how to shower the right thing you wouldn’t go far wrong reading Dr Gary Chapman’s, Five Love Languages of Children and his latest Five Love Languages of Teenagers
Excellence means committing to try and find the solutions to your problems, thinking about what you are doing and what you need to do, exploring different strategies for relating to them and trying them out. This could mean taking the time to read up on how best to relate to your teen, attending a seminar, talking about the issues with your friends and family. In essence it means setting aside time to put them before yourself. Particularly for professionals it means using the best resources you can with the young person (a particular bug bear of mine is badly presented worksheets that have been photocopied / xeroxed within an inch of their life to the point where it is like looking at a photograph of a ghost that has been through the washing machine twenty times), and engaging them in work / discussions that have a clear logic that you have actually thought about rather than just ‘winging it’. Do not forget that for a lot of teens, the quality of the things you present them with, physically or verbally will be their measure of the quality of your care for them.
Being a beacon of excellence WILL be hard work (if it is not then there is room to try harder) but it WILL pay dividends. Not only will your relationship improve massively but as each new improvement comes along you will be spurred on and motivated to continue. It is a gift that keeps on giving – to you and to them.
#4 Rule of Patience
March 17, 2008 at 9:14 pm | Posted in Rules of Engagement | Leave a commentTags: adolescents, anger, anger management, behavior, behaviour, calm, challenging behavior, challenging behaviour, change, cool-off, hiccups, patience, praise, realistic expectations, teenagers, teens, temper, temper tantrum
Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither is a brand new relationship or a new phase in an existing relationship. If you are trying to overcome some issue with a teen and improve your relationship with them, don’t expect too much too soon. If you rush it, then you are less likely to succeed.
Slowly but surely is the approach to take, with praise being offered at every opportunity where a young person has made a positive change. A common mistake that I have seen parents make is witholding praise until “they have proven to me that they can keep it up”, or “He’ll just end up falling back into his old ways. I want to be sure that the change is here to stay first”. Valid thoughts, yes, as so many parents are veterans of nine minute wonder changes in behaviour (“They were great yesterday but it all went down the plughole today. She’s just as bad as before”). Yes there will be ups and downs, but if your teen gets exactly the same response from you when they do something well as when they are a nightmare, what’s the incentive to change? If change is going to be achieved and be long lasting then everyone in the relationship needs to be seeing the benefits! If you went to the gym 7 days a week and were as flabby as when you didn’t go, you wouldn’t continue going would you? It wouldn’t be worth the effort! In the same way, a teenager is not going to persist with the effort of changing their behaviour unless they see why it is worth putting in that effort. So praise at every opportunity when they are doing well is worth it- it incentivises good behaviour and makes it way more likely that they will continue on the behaviour-changing journey.
It is also vitally important that you set realistic expectations of how quickly you will see positive results and how consistent that change in behaviour will be. It may take several weeks of consistently applying a new boundary or dealing with a common situation in a new way to see any discernible change.
For example, this could occur when dealing with anger eruptions. You might find that you usually deal with your teen’s anger outbursts by shouting back at them. You may adopt a new approach of letting them have their strop without responding and asking them to go away and cool off before having a calmer discussion about the issue later on. It may take a couple of weeks for the teen to deal with the fact that they are not getting a shouting response. A fair proportion of teens will actually be having angry outbursts because they know it will push your buttons and your not rising to their bait may well end up winding them up even more intially. However if you rigidly stick to your guns then they will eventually realise that there is no point blowing their top, as it is getting them nowhere. If instead they realise that they can get you to listen better by approaching you in a calmer way, then they will. After all, if they are having anger outbursts then it is often to get your attention and if they can get better quality attention by being calm and rational then that is what they will do. Teenagers are masters and mistresses of minimal effort, maximum gain! However they are also prone to erratic behaviour and while they may take three steps forward, two steps back every now and again is to be expected. However as long as progress is being made, then it is all worthwhile. So it is key to praise them every time they have responded well, and even if they do slip up, to refer them back to the times when they did deal with a situation well and encourage them to use that method again pointing out all the benefits. Don’t throw in the towel at the first hurdle just because you had unrealistic expectations- that way you get nowhere! This also equally applies to you- you may well slip up yourself, for example falling back into the old anger outburst response of shouting back. You are not perfect either and you should cut yourself some slack. Make sure however that if you slip up that you admit it to your teen and commit to doing better yourself. That way they learn that it is not a disaster if they slip up and if they take responsibility, that all is not lost and you can still move forward. This is powerful role-modelling.
Be patient with them, be patient with yourself, offer praise whenever possible for better behaviour, be realistic and expect some hiccups on the way and you will have far greater success than if you are impatient and unrealistic. Focus on the positives and the positives will keep on coming. Before you know it, you will see more of the positive than the negative and you will have a long-lasting behaviour change on your hands, most likely for both you and them.
#2 Rule of Self-Preservation
March 11, 2008 at 8:58 pm | Posted in Rules of Engagement | Leave a commentTags: adolescent, escapism, me time, motivation, parent, personal development, personal investment, professional development, role model, self preservation, survival, teenagers, teens, work, young people
You can’t look after the needs of others without looking after your own; you can’t give what you do not have.
If you are trying to effect change in any young person’s life or just to merely connect with them, then you need to be going into that relationship with your own tank as full as it can be. That way you can give them more energy and you will be more motivated, which translates into a feeling in the young person that you care. (For the importance of this see Rule of Neutrality).
It also means that you have the energy to deal with any challenging behaviour or general difficulties in a more “Can do”, calm and measured manner. You have to be able to deal with life’s stresses in a way that we would like our teens to. There is no point encouraging a young person to have a more ‘can do’ positive attitude if every time things don’t go to plan we descend into negativity and become a doom-and-gloom merchant. You are a role model- what you do says so much more than what you say. You have to practise what you preach.
The reality of being a parent, or working with teens (or even both!), and also having to deal with everything else in life is that often we will feel like we are running on empty. And perversely it is when we are feeling like this, that we will actually try and avoid doing the things that will make us feel more full, coming out with the reasons such as “I don’t have enough time for me”, “If I don’t do x, y and z for Tom, Dick and Stanley then the world will surely end”.
But this is plain and simply a false economy. Yes you might be doing x, y and z but if you are running on empty you won’t be doing the best job you can, you will be taking longer and will be inefficient, and when time is often our biggest enemy, inefficiency is something we cannot afford. Even worse, you are more likely to behave in front of teens in a way that damages rather than improves relationships – snap at them when they ask you something, or not take the time to really listen to them.
Going back to being a role model- don’t we want the best for our kids or the kids that we work with? Well then what better gift could we give them than teaching them to be their own petrol / gas station.
So how do you practically make sure that your tank is as full as it can be? It’s called quality ‘me’ time. For different people that means different things. For some it is going for walk in the country, for others it is lying in bed with a good book, for some engaging in some form of creative activity, or just regular exercise. It is time when we can be ourselves without the external (sometimes gale) forces of life being at the front of our minds. It is moments of escapism.
It is also about getting re-motivated, getting back to the roots of why you do what you do. So often we can get blown off-course and distracted by the minutiae of life and work and miss the bigger picture. In a parenting relationship this can mean taking time to think about why you care about how your child behaves- you want them to be the best they can be, you unconditionally love them etc. In a working context this means going on conferences and attending training, which sometimes in itself can be a fight with management. Argue for it along the lines of ‘personal development is professional development’, bringing up all the points in this post.
Look after yourself, others depend on it.
#1 Rule of Neutrality
March 10, 2008 at 12:54 pm | Posted in Rules of Engagement | Leave a commentYou cannot have a neutral impact on someone that you see on a regular basis- be it your child, a young person on your social work or youth offending caseload right through to the person that you rub shoulders with at work every day. If you are a ‘regular’ in their lives then you are having a regular impact. You might think that they aren’t listening to you, you might not speak to them much, but by virtue of the fact that you are there- you are making a difference. Thinking, “it doesn’t matter what I say they will do their own thing”, or “what I say or do won’t make any difference” is dangerous thinking. It’s hiding behind the idea that your involvement with that person is neutral and therefore that what you say and do isn’t really all that important. After thoughts come actions, or inactions and if your thinking is wrong then so will your actions be- sloppiness, limited effort and a gloomy sense of pre-determinism. At this point you are nowhere near neutral- you are having a negative impact.
Young people can smell you a mile off. Particularly those kids with behavioural problems, or those who have had a rough start in life and are vulnerable- 9 times out of 10 the reason they have their problems is because they have been failed by adults- parents and all too often professionals. If they see another one coming then the barriers will come up. They will be thinking, “Here comes another one, God help me!”. Given half a chance they will run (not turn up to your appointments or if at home will run off to their rooms) or they will put the barriers up verbally and tell you colourfully to get lost.
Put yourself in their shoes. If you have had the worst haircut of your life, the next time you walk into a barbers / hairdressers, sit down and get yourself comfortable and then see in the mirror the incompetent hairdresser walk towards you, you don’t just sit there. You run, you run like the wind, or tell the hairdresser in no uncertain terms that if they put a pair of scissors anywhere near your head that you might do them some damage.
Always go into a new relationship with the expectation that the young person sat before you is going to sniff you out, put you to the test. If you have even a whiff of negative determinism, or a sloppy ‘can’t be bothered’ view, then you can only expect a poor level of engagement. In professional terms this will manifest either through non-attendance, non-cooperation in sessions, or faked engagement that just gets you off their backs.
If you are trying to get your child engaged with you at home after a rocky spell they will sniff you out too and may respond with disengagement (doing anything to avoid being with you), argumentativeness (“What do you know you crusty old fool”) or fake cooperation (“yes Mum I’ll never smoke again”, while smoking out their bedroom window every night). Young people can and will forgive you if you have made errors in the past, are upfront about them and show them that you are genuine*, but it will come undone if you don’t operate from the base principle that you can make a difference in their life.
If you get through the test period and you have not given up on them, even when they have pushed you to the edge of despair with their non-engagement, their negativity or their fake cooperation then they will come to believe that you genuinely care. Knowing that someone cares is the base need that every person has, and most of all young people. The test period might be short or it could be painfully long, but the end result is ALWAYS the same and on that hard won foundation a great building will rise.
Entering the test zone with the belief that you are going to have a neutral impact will end up in failure- a pile of rubble from which nothing can rise. Entering the test zone with a belief that you are going to have an impact, motivates you to do your best and exponentially increases the chances of success.
To think your attitudes don’t affect your behaviour is as stupid as suggesting that a young person’s attitudes don’t affect their behaviour. If you want to get real with them, then you’ve got to get real with yourself.
You do make a difference and will always have an impact- believe that and success moves closer.
* ‘The Rule of Redemption’, that you can turn an ongoing relationship around is a blog for another day.
The Rules of Engagement
March 10, 2008 at 12:51 pm | Posted in Rules of Engagement | Leave a commentTags: adolescents, challenging behavior, challenging behaviour, engaging young people, family, parenting, problem behavior, problem behaviour, professionals, Rules of Engagement, teenage whisperer, teenagers, teens, young people
The basic stuff of relationships is engagement. All parties need to be able to relate to one another, communicate and ultimately want to put something in and get something out in order for that relationship to work. However, with teens this can be a problem. Due to the complexities of adolesence, engagement is often the last thing they want to do with an adult and this can often lead to problems, not least when an adult identifies that the teen that they live or work with is exhibiting challenging behaviour and they want to do something about it, be it a small or large issue.
What follows is a series of posts all about the rules of engagement with teens. With many years working with teens in a youth justice setting who have initially wanted to disengage my head from my neck rather than engage with me, these posts come from a sea of experience. The lessons I have learned and the knowledge acquired, although coming from the extreme end of adolescent behaviour are just as applicable to all sorts of levels of relationships with teens, from the family home to school to social care- any environment where teens are about!
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Welcome!
February 4, 2008 at 11:07 pm | Posted in Commentary | Leave a commentThis is the blog of Sam Ross, Teenage / Adolescent Behavioural Consultant.
I aim to provide tips, insight, relief and ‘Aha!’ moments to all those out there living and/or working with teens. For those working professionally I will also be posting practical programmes of work.
Teens can be the best to live and work with, and sometimes it can feel like the worst, but if you know how and have the ‘whispers’, everyone can get along great with them!
Happy reading!
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